HO-HO-HOMELESS

written by: Cornelius Vango

Before I began homesteading in Slab City, I was what is referred to as “a dirty kid”; a homeless young person. I survived off of “kickdowns”, “white-boxes”, “spanging”, stealing, and “flying signs”. Before I got my first van, I lived out of a rucksack and surfed couches much of the time. Christmas was always a really hard time for me because my family had fallen apart and I found myself alone, broke, miserable, replaying a mixed bag of family memories that were very painful. It led me to drink much more heavily during the holidays, seeing others spending time with their families, even most of my fellow dirty-kid friends had festivities to attend and presents to open.

When I hit the road and began to meet travelers along the way, I met a lot more folks who also had nowhere to go on christmas, being far from home, no family ties, or just not giving a shit about holidays. It was during this era that I was introduced to the concept of “Christmas Spange”. See, if you were one of us that had nowhere to go on Christmas, it was actually a golden opportunity to go stand on a corner with a sad sign and rake in pity money. Sad signs were never my style, so my Christmas spange go-to was a sign saying “HO-HO-HOMELESS!” with some seasonal doodles around the font, like some holly leaves and shit. It was funny enough to get a positive reaction but dark enough to make people feel kinda bad for laughing. And what kind of monster doesn’t give a homeless 20 something a couple bucks on Christmas day? I made out like gang busters everytime. Having a wad of money in your pocket sure does a lot to dampen seasonal depression and family holiday PTSD.

After scoring a hundo or two, I’d promptly fuck off the fly spot and hit up the nearest convenience store for booze and smokes and comfort food, feeling like a baller. Sometimes if I did real well and had nowhere to stay, I’d get myself a hotel room and take a long bath, watch TV and get blackout drunk alone in the safety of a locked room rather than out on the street.

Being from the midwest, Christmas never really felt like Christmas to me on the west coast since it rarely snows, so the holidays kinda crept up on me. I didn’t keep track of dates and times because I just didnt care to. I just wanted to not think about it until it was over.

Now as an adult, I’ve worked through that trauma but I still don’t really care about Christmas and haven’t attended any family holiday gatherings since I became homeless. Maybe I will one day, but I’ve been enjoying becoming familiar with pre-christian seasonal celebrations like yule and gathering informally with my traveler friends wherever we may find ourselves and my hometown of Slab City has helped me find a chosen family and community that accepts me whether I want to come out and participate in festivities or not and I am so grateful for that. 🖤